A letter to Mason

I remember the days we prayed for what we have now,
forever getting negative tests,
being told "it will happen don't worry" with good intentions.

It happened .
after 2 and a half years ,
and failed artificial "help" 
YOU happened ....

I remember the feeling,
that positive line
a gush of happiness and butterflies in my belly
You were in my belly.

My pregnancy was easy 
as easy as it can be !
apart from swollen feet and slight sickness 
I treasured each kick and roll

The day came when you were to leave the comfort of my womb
November 9th 2014
and you must like being on time, like your mummy
My water broke that morning 

As i waddled downstairs to tell our dog Loki off
he was barking and crying all night long
he knew you were ready to be earth side ,
but i did not 

suddenly a gush 
warm water down my leg 
I shouted for your daddy, 
and down he came 
it was time to go to the hospital 

The pain went from 1 to 50 in the matter of minutes
i couldn't bear it 
i cried for it to be over 
I wasn't enjoying this one bit 

Two shots of diamorphine knocked me out 
I was sleepy and cant remember much 
i do remember you being born though

Although you wanted to be born on time 
you were struggling 
i was struggling 
i needed help to get you out 

Your warm slimy body was placed onto my chest
although i was out of it off the drugs
i still felt you there , smelt you there, heard you breathing
my heart was full but i couldn't express it to you just yet 
i was still in pain and drugged up

You were one day old 
i was tired but more aware of you now
you most of still had some of the diamorphine in your system as you were very sleepy
but mammy managed to feed you herself 
I breastfed you for 5 days.

We went home the day before mammys birthday
November 11th 2014
You were such a good baby, you slept well, you never cried much and loved your milk

You are growing every day, growing into  a young boy
you have lost your baby features now ,
this makes me sad
but i know it has to happen,
you will keep growing till one day before i know it 
you will be a man

until that day
when you don't need me the way you do now 
i will promise you i will try my very best to be the best mummy i can be 
I will love you unconditionally, kiss you when your sad, calm you when your angry, laugh with you when you feel happy and be who i need to be for you no matter what.

The only wish and hope i have for you
is that you grow up knowing mammy and daddy love you  
and hope that you know we tried to be the best possible mummy and daddy to you 
It is hard some days 
but  often difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations

I love you Mason 

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