A letter to Lucas

5 months is all it took,
to see the pink line.
It was so different this time 
yet still the same fluttery feeling

We were so happy, so excited to become a family of 4
your big brother couldn't wait to hold you

I craved the same things this time as i did with Mason
Milk and curry
and sometimes together !

but the pregnancies were so different 
I was a lot more sick to begin with 
and overcome with tiredness looking after your 2 year old brother!
but still so grateful 

It was the day we had been waiting for , for almost 12 weeks
the first scan
to see you wiggle around on the screen
we were even going to see if we could find out if you were a boy or a girl
as we had done with Mason at 12 weeks

but in the 10 minutes that we were in that room
knowing what gender you were was now not important to us
The lady who was scanning me said
"there is a problem"

There was a problem? 
what is the problem?
i just seen my baby on the screen two seconds ago moving , heart beating
how can there be a problem?

my heart instantly sank 
my eyes filled up with water
tears were streaming down my face
why is this happening to me?

High Nuchal Translucency 
was the "problem"
you had a large mass behind your head, neck and back, and also over your chest and body
we were told "it didn't look good"

most babies don't make it to term, resulting in a miscarriage
it could mean there is a chromosomal abnormality like Downsyndrome
or worse, a disorder that isn't compatible with life and would result in a still born
or i may want to think about terminating the baby......

I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing

appointments were made to see a specialist
echocardiograms were done on your heart while in utero
I had a CVS done that tests for chromosomal abnormalities
more scans after scans after scans 
official diagnosis was "cystic Hygroma "
Google gave me hope that all was well 
you may just be born with a large cyst like lump on the back of your neck.

I prayed this was all it was.

Your due date came 
and went...
You weren't like your brother for time keeping! 

March 2nd 2017 
You were born 

Here's the thing,
you must of realised how late you were because mammy's water broke in the bed early hours of the morning
50 minutes later you were born naturally into the hands of a male paramedic in the back of an ambulance outside accident and emergency at a different hospital to where I was supposed to be having you!!

So yeah, you have one hell of a birth story son.
And the best part of the story was that you were absolutely perfect in every way shape and form
yes you had a thick neck, no you did not have a cystic hygroma

I held you so close and as proud as ever on the stretcher going into the hospital
wrapped up warm in a purple blanket under my top
your warm body against mine

You were hungry very early on so I took your cues and breastfed you 1 hour after birth
You latched straight away 
it was instinct
The bond between us already was evident 

I breastfed you for 3 months 

You are so different in every way to your brother
looks and personality

I count my lucky stars every day
that we were blessed with you 
it could have been very different 

We love you so much little Lucas

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