The Worst Day Of My Life ....So Far!

Hi everyone,

Ok, where do I even begin!...

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook then you may already know to some extent whats being going on with my pregnancy, for those of you who don't know this post will explain everything we have gone through so far. Our journey is far from over but I now finally feel ready to share with you all whats been happening.

Disclaimer: In this post I will share my thought process through the ordeal and I will talk about termination of pregnancy and miscarriage, these are all my own personal thoughts, opinions and choices and I know not every one will feel the same way but until your put in the same position/circumstances (which I never would wish upon my worst enemy!) then please don't be quick to judge!

On  August we went for our 12 week routine scan. I went in so excited, as you do, I was even going to ask the sonographer if she could tell the gender as we had found out that we were having a little boy at my 12 week scan with Mason!
That was literally all I was bothered about!
Then the grainy picture came up of our little baby on the screen...perfect little munchkin moving around like mad! the sonographer said "well there's baby, there's its little heart beating away, there's its little hand its waving at you!..........and .....ok....there's a problem....."


My heart literally felt like it had been ripped out of my chest, all I could say was "what?"
She then went on to explain that there was lot of fluid around the baby, an unusual amount and what that usually meant was that there was either a syndrome, like Downs syndrome, Edwards, or Patau syndrome. It could also mean a heart defect. 
I'm surprised i manged to actually listen to what she was saying because I was crying that much and everything just felt like a daze, like it was a bad nightmare and I was going to wake up from it and see my "perfect little munchkin" again on the screen only this time there wasn't a "problem".

The appointment just got worse and worse, she explained to us that if it isn't a syndrome then its a major heart defect the chances of the pregnancy progressing were slim and I would probably miscarry. Then the word terminate came up a few times. I just couldn't comprehend what was happening, why us!?
She made an appointment there and then with the RVI hospital in Newcastle at their Fetal Medicine unit where I would be scanned again to measure the fluid and to also have a CVS diagnostics procedure performed if I wanted one. A CVS is short for Chorionic Villus Sampling and is a procedure in which a fine hollow needle in inserted into your abdomen guided by an ultrasound, and a sample of the placenta is taken for testing and analysis. There is a risk to this procedure, its estimated that 1-2% of women will suffer a miscarriage after a CVS, but weighing up our options ...and our odds! (we got a high risk result on the combined screening and came out with a 1 in 14 chance of downsyndrome.) We spoke to each other a lot about what we would do if the outcome wasn't good. My auntie had twins 13 years ago and the little boy was Downsyndrome, I have seen how hard it is for her, and that is just from an outside perspective. We held our hands up and agreed we honestly do not think we would be able to cope bringing up a child with downsyndrome and we would of terminated the pregnancy. I find that very hard to write, and tell all of you that without thinking how many of you will be judging me because of that decision, but like i said above it would of been our decision, no-one Else's and I wouldn't of told anyone that we had terminated either. It wasn't just us we were thinking of aswell, Masons life would of been changed dramatically.

The procedure itself sounds a lot worse than what it actually was. It wasn't painful just more uncomfortable than anything else. To be honest I kept my eyes closed the whole time. The midwife took us into a room after the procedure and presented us with the print out from the scan (all the details ect) it had the measurement of the Nuchal translucency on which unfortunately had gone up to 7.8, and she had also given us a diagnosis of what she thinks it could be. A septated cystic hygroma.....
My little plaster after the CVS, the pink on my belly was off the antibac stuff they paint on your belly.

Before we were really told what this was in itself, we were told what it usually means for the baby to have a cystic hygroma, basically it usually means the baby has Turners Syndrome, and this only affects little girls. So we presumed that we were having a little girl from that point because why would they talk about Turners Syndrome if it wasn't a girl? 
Anyway we got the CVS test results back on Wednesday 24th August and they were CLEAR! of the three main chromosomal abnormalities (Downsyndrome, Edwards syndrome and Patau syndrome) and also clear of Turners Syndrome because they had the sex chromosome back from the CVS and it showed we were having a little boy!! so it definitely rules out Turners aswell.
We are still currently awaiting the full array tests to come back as these usually take 2 to 3 weeks, these results will tell us if there are any very rare abnormalities, but we are trying to stay positive. 
 A few days ago I decided that I just couldn't wait over two weeks until our next appointment at the RVI so we decided to pay for a private scan at Babybond in Gateshead. My mam and husband were a bit reluctant and tried to sway me against the idea but when I checked online when there next appointment was and it was showing up for the next day! I was sold!! 
This scan could of gone either way, I could of come out feeling worse because we might of noticed more fluid , or worse there might not of been a heartbeat so I was very nervous about it, but thankfully we came out feeling A LOT better!!
The scan was called a quickASSURE scan and that is exactly what it gave me, reassurance... After having the CVS and knowing the risks I was so scared I would be the one women to miscarry so it was lovely to see baby's heart beating away so strong! and he was moving all over the place ! She said he is a very long baby like his brother was. The best thing of all though was that she measured the fluid behind the neck and its actually gone down! at our CVS appointment is was 7.8 but this time it was measuring 6.88 and it looked like it was just around the back of the neck and no where else. 
We still have a long road ahead of us, and I think we will worry constantly until he is here in our arms but I'm trying so very hard to enjoy the pregnancy aswell as its the last time I will experience it! (only having two kids!)
I will be sure to post an update on here following our next few appointments and hopefully I will be posting good news. 

2 of our scan pictures from the Babybond scan we had don

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