Breastfeeding guilt !!

Hi everyone,

As you can probably tell by the title this post is all about breastfeeding, bottle feeding and everything in between so if you don't like reading about boobies and what they are really there for them I suggest you skip this post !! Lol

Before I had Mason I was absolutey positive I was going to breastfeed and I even wanted to do it right up until he was around 18 months old . I knew that it was going to be hard and it was going to hurst as people were telling me this all the time .....well for me just one of them things turned out to be true and that was it was bloody hard !!!!! 
It never hurt me at all and I really enjoyed doing it, just knowing that my body was providing something for my baby made me feel so good ! 
In the hospital they really helped me to get breastfeeding established as they are very big on Breast over bottle there and the times he was struggling to latch on they would get me hand express and collect the colostrum into a syringe to feed him (very weird experience someone collecting stuff into a syringe that's coming out of your breasts !!!) 
Things were going great in the hospital my supply was brilliant, the midwife said I didn't have a problem there at all, I had plenty to go around lol and I seem to master the cradle hold ( It was suggested to me to try this position because my boobs were slightly on the large side lol ....not now may I add :( lol  .....) 
He was feeding great and one day he even went for 50 minutes !!! I do however remember thinking to myself "how on earth will I get anything done when he's attached to my boob for 50 minutes at a time !! " but I just kept on going as I was determined I would be a breastfeeding mammy !! 
We got home on the Tuesday and everything was fine, he was still feeding fine, I was still enjoying it ! Then the second night home was a complete nightmare! He screamed all night long nothing was comforting him, his crys were piercing ! He had colic !
The next morning (looking like a zombie and feeling physically sick from lack of sleep and crying all night ) I went into the drawer and gave him a dummy, something I also said I would never do ! But he just stopped crying like that ! I couldn't believe it ! If something can stop a baby from crying the way he was crying then I was all for it, il just deal with consequences later on when he wont give me his dummy to give to Santa clause !! 
After that night I was exhausted from being up all night trying to get him to stop crying by letting him feed whenever he wanted (cluster feeding ). I decided that breastfeeding was just to demanding for me and he was also constantly hungry, it wasn't fair on him. I was also having really bad problems with my back and I had just had enough ! 
The midwife came round that day and I told her I wanted to go onto bottles now as I was done with breastfeeding but my milk had just come through and I felt so guilty that everything was there for him now and just because I found it hard work I was going to give up !? The midwife asked me how I was holding him when feeding so I showed her the cradle hold I had mastered (or so I thought I had !) and she said you don't look very comfy at all there try this one , and she had me lying on the couch on my side with Mason next to me and said try that way .  
This position was 100% better ! I didn't have any strain on my back , I could lie down for a bit ! And Mason was actually latching on himself ! But again my mind started telling me "is that really what you want !!??" When the midwife turned around and said "see your so comfy there even if you stick a DVD on and let him feed throughout the whole thing you will be comfy !" The whole thing !!! What if I put on the Lord of the rings !! I'd be there for bloody hours !!

I then decided I was going to try both and express my milk and also use formula . That lasted a day ! It was proving just to hard for me to Breastfeed so I made the decision to go onto formula and although I felt and still feel guilty for doing it when I had perfectly good Breast milk there for him, I have never looked back ! Mason is now having 5oz every 4 hours and he is sleeping through the night and only waking up for his bottles at 1:30am and 5:30am ! Although I do have to shush him to get him to sleep! Lol 

I think like so many first time mams I was so nieve about everything that was to come with having a baby but things are so different when they are actually here ! Like I said I felt so guilty that I couldn't give my son the best stuff for him but at least I managed for 5 days and he got the best part of the breast milk (colostrum) is in the first few days . At the end of the day I did what I thought was best for my baby at the time and I havnt looked back ! Next time round I will know how demanding breast feeding is already and maybe because I will be expecting it this time then I may be able to carry on for longer but even if I couldn't I won't beat myself up about it the way I did this time round ! 


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